Since Kimmel wasn’t actually invited to the real White House Correspondents Dinner, and Trump decided not to have a comedian host the event, instead picking someone called a “mentalist,” the late-night comedian decided to throw his own roast of the President, his wife, and his worst guy, Stephen Miller.
Here’s what Kimmel said would be some jokes a comedian might say if the president wasn’t such a dramatic person:
“By the way, if our president has a medical emergency tonight, do we have a doctor in the house?
Oh, I mean, do we have a Jesus in the house? I always mix them up.”
“I get why you think you’re Jesus.
Every time he walks into a room, people say, ‘Christ, he’s back.’”
“As the president will tell you over and over until you ask him to stop, President Trump has done a lot in his second term.
He passed new laws to help oil and gas. He slowed down solar and wind. That will be your big legacy—breaking wind and passing gas.”
“But I do want to praise the president.
Look how far you’ve come. Thirty years ago, you were just a rich guy on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet out of Teterboro. But you worked hard, stayed friends, shared some great secrets, and because of that, you got to fly on that plane seven more times. Dreams do come true.”
“Oh, by the way, before we go any further: Melania, this is Donald.
Donald, this is Melania. That was my impression of Jeffrey Epstein.”
“Seriously, I want to thank the president.
We are the hottest country in the world right now, and that’s all because of you, sir. You are truly the G.O.A.T. and a monkey and a pig. You made America great again, and you made comedy great again, and that’s why I’m very proud to announce the winner of the inaugural Burger King of comedy gold award goes to none other than our president, Donald J. Trump. Congratulations, sir. And thank you.”
Kimmel also joked that Melania had “the glow of an expectant widow” and said Stephen Miller was “so racist, he puts the ‘cist’ in white supremacist.
He’s like if baby Hitler traveled in time to kill us.”
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